Normally, on a Sunday I would be starting to get butterflies in my stomach at the thought of going back to work tomorrow. However, being a teacher, I am currently taking advantage of one of the perks of the job – the summer break. At least, that is what I should be doing. Instead, I am wondering how to survive the coming weeks, knowing that the lack of structure and routine means I will have to become a 'proper adult' and make decisions. Yes, I hate going to work, but when I am teaching I know how to act; I take on a role that I have learned to play (and can do so rather well).
Behind closed doors, I am anything but the confident, animated character most people see during the day. That is the time when my normal self can appear, the inner child who needs to be given direction and reassurance. What's strange is that I never realised this about myself until recently. I struggled for years to act normal, get a degree, secure a job, manage friendships, desperately wondering why I seemed to find normal aspects of life so difficult compared to other people.
I am still processing my diagnosis of autism. There are some times when I think there must be a mistake with the diagnosis. How can I possibly be autistic? I have friends and absolutely love to be sarcastic! (Something I wrongly thought all people with autism struggled with). I think years of being a female on the spectrum mean I have pulled the wool over my own eyes, as well as the eyes of everyone else around me. I was able to 'learn' how to act in many situations to the point that I'm not even sure where my own identity actually begins!
I am hoping that being able to write things down will not only help during this unstructured time but will also help me on my journey of self-discovery. What does it actually mean to be me?
Autistic Teacher World 